Sometimes you have to know when not to shoot.... and some personal disappointment. It's been a long night.

 So, just got home from shooting a golf charity event for the Travis Manion Foundation. I wasn't familiar with them before this event, but after tonight I can say that they really are an awesome group, and I will shoot their events anytime I can because they deserve any support I can give. Cliff Notes version is they were founded in honor of two Special Forces soldiers killed in action, they not only support the families of others killed in action but also the survivors who have to deal with PTSD, disabilities and other nasty side effects of war.

  From a technical side, played a lot with fill flash and found out that I totally love my new modifier, the Honl Traveller 8 Soft Box. When I eventually get the gallery posted, probably 95% of the outdoor shots were taken using fill flash with this one on, mostly pointed directly at the subject. 

  But that isn't what we are talking about here. The biggest lesson of the night was not what I shot, but rather what I didn't shoot. And I am not talking about kids sneaking beers when dad wasn't looking, because yeah, I shot that....

  

  No, what I am talking about is respect for your subjects. It's a tough line. As a photographer, I want to capture raw emotion. Some of the most award winning photos out there are of very emotional subjects, usually grief, at least in the photojournalist world. The public loves to see others' grief and agony. But how does that factor into my night at a charity golf tournament you might ask? (even if you don't ask, I am going to pretend that you did, because it's my blog) Well, there was a two hour cocktail reception prior to the dinner. For those of you who aren't photographers, let me tell you, there are only so many shots you can get of people standing around having cocktails, filling out silent auction forms, etc. Over the course of 120 minutes of this, you may find that you get highly bored. One option is to try and look around for artistic shots you can take on the side to test your skills and give you a moment of variety. 

   Or, if you are like me, you will notice that some of the guests seem to be very shy about having their picture taken and will try to hide from the camera. One of these guests in particular, I sensed had a good humor about it, so it became a game of me trying to catch her and get a good shot before she could turn away and hide. We chatted about it and it became a running joke throughout the reception. She asked how I wound up taking pics, I told her I knew the event planner who had set this one up, I asked her about how she wound up here, she just said she supported the foundation. 

   After cocktail hour, everyone moved inside to the dinner and speakers. The first one up was a singer/guitarist who had lost his brother. During his song, a moving piece about love and loss, I panned around the room looking for shots that would capture the emotional nature of the moment. Then I saw my camera shy target from before, and she was almost completely broken down, being comforted by friends around her at her table. I raised the camera, composed what would have been a really powerful and emotional shot, focused in.... and put the camera down. I couldn't do it. I felt like I was a peeping tom looking into a window at someone's most intimate moments. Taking the picture just didn't seem right, not sure if it was because of all the banter before about catching her unawares, or if I just felt that she needed the space to go through whatever she was going through at that moment in private, the shot just felt wrong. So I didn't take it. Later on, one of the speakers asked the survivors of soldiers who had been killed in action to stand, my shy nemesis stood up. Turns out she was there because she was a widow, her husband was one of the people who was being honored by the charity tonight. 

  There were plenty of other emotion filled moments throughout the night that I did capture

  So why not that one? I really can't answer. Maybe I lack the killer instinct that is necessary to be a good photojournalist. But I just feel like some moments, despite how beautiful they would be to capture, are better left as private monuments and memorials for those who need them. It is easy to hide behind the camera, to use the distance of the lens to filter yourself out from what you shoot. To be in the world, btu not of the world (to steal a concept from the christians....) but that isn't who I want to be, either as a person or as a photographer. I want to capture life and emotion, but I want to do it as respectfully as I can, in a way that will be appreciated by my subjects. I never want to be that annoying paparazzi, or the "guy with a camera" stalking the hot girl. Even at festivals where running around naked is the norm, until I know the people on the business end of my lens are OK with it, I don't shoot. I think that while I may miss a few great shots by putting the camera down when I need to, it will be more than worth it in the long run. It seems like taking the extra second to let the potential subject see the camera and acknowledge my presence, giving unspoken permission for me to shoot, breaks down walls and leads to trust that in turn leads to better shots later. Or at least not being "that guy." 

  So, my ultimate lesson from tonight was having it really brought to the forefront of my consciousness that I may be defined to the outside world by the shots I take, but also I am defined by the shots I don't take. the moments where I feel it is more important to give people their privacy, or the moments where I choose to put the camera down and participate more directly in life. 

  Overall, it was a tough night on many emotional levels. Probably half of the attendees were Special Warfare types, either still active, or had been. Some of whom were sporting obvious injuries from their service. And here I am, been in the Navy 15 years. only done one deployment, and that safe on an armored ship out to sea. Watching and taking pictures of people who were part of the world I used to want to be a part of so badly, what I joined the Navy to do. A couple of the operators were there with their families, the organizer (who I know from circus) is married to a SEAL and they are about to have their first child. Part of me feels like less of a man because I did not get selected for SPECWAR or SPECOPS despite having put in for it three times. But now, as I come up on the first birthday of my son, another part of me is glad I am not faced with the risks and the lifestyle these guys are. My little dragon can be reasonably sure his daddy will come home every night, and when I do deploy, I can at least tell him where I will be and when I expect to be home. I can't imagine leaving the little dragon without his dad, or putting his mom in the position several of the women at the event tonight were in. It was incredibly sobering, and it made me want to not be sober. Good thing I had open bar access as part of the deal for shooting. 

  But, just so I don't end this segment of the post on a down note- enjoy this picture of a totally epic moustache on one of the attendees....

  

  In other news, I also promised some personal disappointment. Well, If you are following along on the home game, I posted a while back about my first showing coming up this Thursday. The deal with the group putting on the event was you agreed as a participating artist, that you would either sell 20 tickets or pay the difference. That's how the group guarantees they have enough funding to run the event. I figured that out of all the people I have supported over the past years with my time, my equipment, anything; all the people who have enjoyed my pics, made them their profile pics, shared them with friends, etc... I could sell a measly 20 tickets. These tickets came with free booze. I advertised on Facebook, Google +, Tumbler, this blog, craigslist, every social media outlet I could think of. I offered free prints and the chance to win a free photo shoot to people who bought tickets before the deadline. 

    I sold five. And one of those was a charity purchase by a friend who lives cross country and has no intention of coming to the event. 

   Gonna take a bit to digest this one. Part of me wants to say screw it. No more shooting for friends for free. Why support people when it isn't reciprocated? But I don't know if I can do that, it isn't in my nature. Giving until it hurts is part of who I am. A big part of my personal growth theses past years has been trying to learn to say no, find limits and establish my boundaries, trying to find the line of giving and gifting of myself without becoming doormat. Learning to say when "this is not ok." I love photography. I love shooting shows, festivals and events. I love seeing the great reactions that friends have to my images. I enjoy it. It makes me part of the action when I go to shows and festivals. I like it. But on a realistic side, my naval career is effectively over. I would be stunned if I rise past my current rank and get promoted again. Realistically I am looking at retiring in roughly five years, whether I want to or not, and having to find something else to do with my life. Right now, the only two realistic options I have are photography and circus. And I keep giving both of those things away. I need to manifest a way to turn what I love into a path to freedom, a way to live after the Navy and still manage to provide for my family. Not sure how I am going to balance that with my giving tendencies. I was hoping that this first show would give me an indicator that the support was there. But with certain notable exceptions, it resoundingly wasn't. I sort of feel like I got kicked in the junk. Now I just have to figure out how to deal with that and how to move forward. And how to pay for the unsold tickets. Oh well,  at least I will get some free booze from Stoli, one of the event sponsors. 

  And thanks to those five people who did step up. You know who you are. And so do I. But seriously, tell me this mustache isn't freaking epic....