Ok. Stewing on this for a bit, been thinking about posting something on it, wasn't ready to, but events of the last couple of days and comments I have gotten from friends kinda made it mandatory. Writers and anyone who knows anything about them, or has even watched a movie or TV show about writers, knows what writer's block is. You sit down, all prepared to write the great american novel, your history thesis, that book report, whatever. But nothing comes out. The words just aren't there. Turns out (via a quick google search) that there are equivalent terms for other artistic fields. But strangely enough, for a bunch of creative fields, they are not very creative. "Creative block," or "photographer's block." Lame. I am going to call it "feeling Lens Capped." That sounds better and has a source. Come on, you all know you have done it, you life the camera to your eye to take a perfect shot, only to wonder why it's all black.... crap. You left the lens cap on again. This is why, like most photographers, I almost never use lens caps, just throw on a UV filter and call it done. But you get the concept. I want to shoot, but the shot just isn't there.
I feel like I am getting pretty good at shooting things that are already happening. Fringe Festival shows, Roller Derby bouts, Circus performances and fire dancers. Festivals, all that fun stuff. I enjoy doing that. But when it comes to creating something on my own, I got nothing. I look around and see lots of amazing stuff out there. A lot of it coming from friends, a lot of it from established names out there, some of it just from browsing sites like 500px or Model Society. I see all this amazing, creative stuff, but when I try to plan out a shoot in my head, I get nothing. So I just sponge off other people. Go to meet ups with photographers and models, trying to get more experience under my belt, even if the shoot is far from artistic. This afternoon I went to a meet up shoot, but all three scheduled models flaked, which prompted a snarky post on my Facebook profile. (wow, a link to FB which will later link to this post.... can the internet get stuck in an infinite link loop?) In response to that post, I got offers from some amazing friends to model for me. Earlier this week, a couple of other friends, one of whom is a very experienced and rather incredible model, offered to shoot with me. So why am I not taking advantage of these offers? Quite simple. I don't believe I have a shoot worth your time and effort. I have a bunch of sort of half baked ideas that I feel like are just riffs off things I have seen that I want to try myself, but even those ideas I don't feel like I can articulate well enough to let a makeup artist or stylist know what I want, or a model to give me. So, I have access to an awesome studio, beautiful and incredible models and awesome makeup artists and stylists. But I can't imagine asking all those people to spend a day having conversations like this:
MUA: What look to you want?
ME: Oh, I don't know, something awesome. You know... dark but not so goth I can't see her face through all the blackness.... but still cute... you know... Cirque du Nine Inch Nails...... or something.
MUA: .... uhhhhh....
or
Model: What do you want me to do...
Me: Uhm... some of that cool model posey stuff... can you pretend you are a the bastard love child of a victoria's secret model and a suicide girl (no, nevermind the improbability of that... you got Trent Reznor to be the sperm donor or something) who is acting out a Steampunk opera written and directed by Baz Lurhman but really it's all part of a new Cirque show opening in Vegas, so I am going to need you to stand on one finger while tying your body into double loop figure eight knot.... in ballet stilletos. Got all that?
Model: ....uhhhhhh.....
And don't even get me started on costuming. Or lack thereof. That's another issue. Nudity. Is it necessary? Can I be an artist celebrating the beauty of the human form, something like The Acrobat Sublime? But is the nudity necessary? That book is one of my favorite photo books of all time, but can you celebrate the beauty of the human form without nudity? A freaking awesome collection like this one of ballet dancers moving through the mundane world would say yes. Then there is the whole debate about where the line between pornography and art lies. I don't have a good answer for that, but for what it's worth even as a teen age ball or hormones, I always preferred Playboy to Penthouse.
But I digress. Sorry for that detour into the nudity discussion, but since the shoot this afternoon where the models flaked was supposed to be a lingerie/nude shoot the I got into the discussion with my GF on the porn vs art debate then I got distracted by acrobats and photographers... I have had the Acrobat Sublime book for a while now, didn't know there were behind the scenes videos until just now finding the link to post above. Even more impressed with it now. But one of the acrobats from the subway handstand shot says, when referring to dealing with the nasty floors of the subway platform, "when you believe in someone and their work..." that's sort of my point. Regardless of the clothing state of my models, is the vision I have worth their time, effort, and trust? Right now I simply don't feel like I have any idea that are.
I know on some level this is all whiney bullcrap. I mean, despite flirting with photography on and off for a couple of decades now, it has only been a year and change since I started really making a serious run at it. I shouldn't expect to be an awesome creative force of nature yet, I am comparing myself to people who have spend their entire lives doing this. I should be happy with the success I have had so far. I really am happy with most of what I am shooting. But I can't help seeing the gap between where i am and where I want to be. It's a recurring theme. I stop trying in my circus training because I can't throw a triple yet, or do a one arm handstand. Because there are people out there who are better than I ever will be. I don't get out into a fire circle and spin because there are so many spinners out there that are so much better than me. I don't try to set up shoots because I am not yet at the level of the photographers I admire. Even though I know those people throwing those triples, or doing the one arm handstands spend years working up to that. Those amazing spinners have been practicing for years. Hours a day, every day, to be able to do what they do. Until I have the training and experience I shouldn't expect to be able to do what they can. And although there are a few assholes out there, for the most part it's a safe space. Most of those people wouldn't judge or denigrate someone approaching their art with an honest desire to learn and get better. Most of them would stop what they were doing and help a beginner learn how to be better, because they know that helping others get better elevates the art as a whole. So, if the people I admire and want to emulate would encourage me and help me in my practice, in advancing my art, what stops me from taking those first hesitant steps? What stops me is FEAR. Plain and simple. I am afraid of looking stupid. I am afraid of not being good enough. I am afraid of a model thinking less of me because I wasted their time trying to do a shoot I didn't really know enough to be able to execute.
I really admire my son. He is learning to walk, to climb, to eat, everything to be a human. He does get pissed when he can't do something he sees someone else do and knows he should be able to. But he doesn't quit trying. He just throws himself at it over and over again until he is able to climb that step, or whatever his particular challenge of the day is. And when he gets something new for the first time, he knows it's a milestone, you can see the huge smile as he realizes he just did something he has never done before, even it it is as simple as drinking from a straw without help. He's supposed to be learning from me, but I need to learn how to live a little from him, how to be fearless and not afraid to try something new, to fall on my ass over and over again and keep getting up and learning how to walk and run.
I should expect some painful experiences while I learn what the hell I am doing. I should expect to find 999 ways to not invent the lightbulb before something finally shines. I need to start where I am... I don't need to be satisfied with where I am, but I do need to learn to cut myself some slack, and realize that other people probably aren't going to be be as hard on me as I am on myself. I need to just acknowledge that some of my first shoots are probably going to suck. But my friends will probably still talk to me afterwards, the experienced models will probably even tell me what worked and what didn't and how to make it better next time, take their paychecks and use me as an amusing anecdote later on. And who knows, maybe we'll get some great shots by accident.
So, for all you wonderful, supportive friends who have put themselves out there to help me on this journey, the reason I haven't asked you to yet is that I have been a scaredy cat. I am going to come up with some ideas, even if they aren't the best ones out there. Gonna come up with something. I do have some ideas that I am going to try and get to a point where I can articulate them in some sort of understandable gibberish. Thank you all for your support and for forcing me to acknowledge my fears. I'll have some shoots for us to do soon, please remind me to take the damn lens cap off!
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